The first time I slept with this guy, he was a professor while I was in college. He was so drunk that he stopped while we were banging to go puke. Later he told me that my tits would be “fuller” if i drank soy milk and that I lost my sex appeal after graduation. His mother bought all his clothes and came over once a week to do his laundry. A+!
I was convinced by this pajama-wearing ska fan that he wouldn’t mind if we banged while I had my period. The next day, he documented the messy affair in his public blog. After three weeks of not replying to the Dashboard Confessional songs he would leave on my answering machine, I got an email saying that he couldn’t see me anymore because I reminded him of his sister. A few years later, he called out my name while my best friend was going down on him. Can’t say I didn’t warn her!
He left a massive dump in my toilet and the condom in my vag.
This guy kept talking about how good of a writer he was and how he worked for the college newspaper so I thought I’d give him some attention. His almost invisible D was not exactly a treat and he seemed so lost around my lady parts, he finally he broke down and confessed he was a virgin. I went to the bathroom to clean up and the dude fell asleep, locking me out of his mothball scented room. I stood there naked, wrapped in a towel as his roommates looked at me.
This guy seemed really cool: he’d been to burning man, his body was a temple and his dreads had me in hippie boy heaven. Once the clothes were off things got a bit dicey when I noticed the 7 piercings traveling up and down his shaft. To make matters worse, he explained that he his Prince Edward impaired his usual urinating habits and he had to turn his penis over in order to avoid spraying himself ever since he had it done. After about 5 minutes of honestly the most interesting sex ever, he explained that his girlfriend might be home soon and that I better skedaddle. The fact that I don’t remember his name is probably a good thing.
This guy bragged constantly about how huge his dick was, talked about himself in the third person, and once stopped mid make-out to eat a cheeseburger he had picked up from McDonalds and made me carry around in my purse all afternoon. Real nice guy.
What else could you expect out of Halloween other than a night of mischief and dry-humping some guy in the middle of a work party? His costume was pretty authentic though: he had a huge Mohawk but it was obviously fake since most of his long hair was pulled back in a ponytail underneath. He looked like a hipster who was trying to look like a dirty old school punk rocker. In the morning I looked over at him his hair and realized that his hair was not pulled back in a pony tail but in fact one huge knotted dread at the back of his head. The “fake Mohawk” was actually just a whole bunch of smaller dreads that were unattached to the one big knot. Well good sir, your dirty hair, nails, teeth and face are not so much a turn on when I realize they aren’t part of a costume. Goodbye dread No-Hawk guy.
WHAT. THE. FUCK? 5 minutes after I met this guy he dumped a giant beer on my best friend, called her a “fat bitch” several times and threatened to beat up her boyfriend. He’s covered in these god awful satanic tattoos and when we got to his place he made me watch Sixteen Candles and listen to a bunch of gangsta rap. He slapped me around and choked me the whole time we boned, then he held my hand and walked me to the train in the morning. I’m still confused.
I “dated” this fine piece when I first moved to the city. He would do a shitload of coke then try to titty fuck me with his scary pencil dick and the worst lube ever for hours on end. He also would beg me to fuck his roommate and would repeat “ain’t no fun unless the homies get some” over and over. Wow.
Although he was extremely well endowed, I’m not really sure why it lasted that long. He was one of those guys mid-twenties who still found poop jokes funny, consistently asked me to sleep with him while he played “Hold Onto My Heart” by W.A.S.P. and would say things like “yeah, lunchboxes” and other strange comments when he was about to orgasm. How precious.
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